One week since graduation. Feels like five.
My friend says I must come to the sunken gardens during the Alfred Hitchock screening to see either Vertigo or North by Northwest.
the simplicity of one pack of green tea beside a can of lentil vegetable soup in a paper bag by the couch
My insides feel like that art project you’d do at spring festivals where you roll around marbles dipped in paint on a piece of paper by putting it inside a cardboard box and shaking it. That shaking, that rolling around of random colors swirling into one another is how I feel. There is a bit of clarity among all of it, but overall I am extremely unsettled.
Mint chip ice cream is fantastic especially when you’re eating some with a best friend at midnight. College is my favorite thing on earth. Even though I’m no longer a student, being in Santa Barbara still creates that buzz, the bike spokes and the birds and the construction and skateboards all making up that one collective sound I’ve loved since my first time on campus as a 17-year-old. 21 and a half, here I am, still in love with it.
Vacuumed carpets have a calming effect on me.
I said goodbye to lots of people today. It’s nice to think positively and say “it’s never goodbye, it’s see you later!” anything to keep it light-hearted. But who knows if I’ll see these people again?
Really excited for sleep. Sleep-deprivation trapped me in this weekend. I’m glad I made it through.
I’M SO ANGRY
SOME 16TH CENTURY ASSHOLE WROTE “GOD B W YE” IN A LETTER AS AN ABBREVIATION FOR “GOD BE WITH YE”
AND IT APPEARED AS “GODBWYE”
WHICH WAS THEN READ AS “GOODBYE”
AND THAT’S WHY WE SAY “GOODBYE”
BECAUSE OF 16TH CENTURY CHAT SPEAK
I’ve got nothing to lose…the days since college have been wide open, full of time for thinking. You realize just how malleable your life is, how it is entirely in your hands, and if you have the means to go to another country, you go. Or you stay where you are. Or you go swim suit shopping, let your friend draw sideburns on you with eye liner, go for a run. Your life is always there, like your breath, and it’s up to you how you use it, how deep or shallow or fast or slow. Each day is wide, wide open. This takes some getting used to and it leaves me unsettled but also extremely grateful, right at the center.
oh why did it break?” —haiku by the great Kobayashi Issa (1763-1827)
And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass